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Let Us Love You As We Love Ourselves
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Let Us Love You As We Love Ourselves
If you met Brandy, you would never know what a difficult life she has had.
Brandy is 25 years old. She is tiny, blond, and very good at doing hair. She dresses well and is very articulate. She has a sweet smile. People that know her in the community immediately describe her as beautiful. They also describe her as a hard worker.
She was affectionate with her daughter and younger sister when they came into the hair salon. Her sister was upset with something that had happened with a boyfriend and Brandy just put her arms around her and hugged her. She explained to her sister that the guy was a "jerk" and this wasn't her fault.
She says she is a Christian and attends a local Baptist church with her two young daughters. Her daughters are looking forward to Bible School. She has recently bought her first house and was in the process of moving in the weekend that I met her.
Brandy is the daughter of two alcoholics and drug addicts. She has spent her life raising her younger brother and sister. She has her own two daughters, age 5 and 7, and has never been married.
She is a cancer survivor but that cancer caused a complete hysterectomy at age 23. She longs for a husband and a marriage and was hurt by the limitations the hysterectomy has placed on her ability to have children with a husband.
For most of her life, she has also acted in the role of mother for her own mother. Until recently, her mother lived with her and was supported by her. She finally decided that her mother's addictions were not good for her daughters and asked her mother to leave.
She is also supporting her younger sister who is 19. Her younger sister is having difficulties and not choosing healthy male relationships in her life. Her younger sister helps with her daughters while Brandy works to support the entire family.
Her younger adult brother has just been diagnosed as being schizophrenic and he is also living with her. He is upset constantly and believes the television is talking to him. She loves her brother and doesn't believe she can put him anywhere except in her home. She has trouble getting him to take the medicine that he so desperately needs. Much of her home life is revolving around medications and her brother's illness.
In the short period that she was doing my hair, I met her younger sister coming in upset with that boyfriend problem. The father of her 2 daughters called with an issue regarding his weekend with his daughters. Her grandmother called wanting her to solve a problem and scolding her about something. Her younger daughter came in wanting candy. I was overwhelmed just watching the variety of issues she had to handle in under 2 hours. She handled each one calmly and without getting upset. You could tell that this family had been leaning on her for years.
Brandy is trying to pull her life together and in the process she has ended up taking care of everyone else in her very dysfunctional family. She is the mother and primary income earner for most of her family.
I asked about the emotional support of friends. She said she had none and has no time for friends. I asked who gave her emotional support and she said no one. She said she didn't need any support. She was numb and had given up feeling a long time ago. She said the women in the church tried to nurture her but she didn't trust most people. She dates but is not in a serious relationship. She has ended the relationship with the father of her children. She said that her town is economically depressed and the only younger single men that stay in town are lazy or have no ambition.
She joked that she would like to be married before she was a grandmother. I asked her how she was going to recognize and maintain a good relationship with a husband without feeling. My concern for Brandy is that if she doesn't learn how to let people nurture her, she will always end up in relationships with needy men. She gasped and said that was exactly the pattern of her life. Every male she had attracted had ended up being too needy for a healthy relationship.
I suggested that she didn't need a husband right now. I believe she needs someone to act in the role of a loving mother and mentor. I also believe she needs help dealing with the scars addiction has left. Organizations like Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics would be helpful.
She needs someone to listen to her and love her in a healthy way. She needs to let herself feel again so she can experience the joys that also surround her.
I begged her to find the most nurturing woman in her church and to ask this woman to agree to play the role of mentor and substitute mother in her life.
I suggested finding a support group that deals with scars of alcoholism in family members.
As I was leaving, I gave an unusually large tip. I always tip well. My deceased son lived on tips for most of his adult life and this it is my way of honoring his memory. I also was feeling the need to nurture this young lady. She tried to refuse it. I explained that this was one way of healing my own grief for the loss of my son. I also told her this could be practice for letting someone nurture her. She began crying but accepted. It was really a small amount of money but the symbol brought her to tears. While she may be fighting it, Brandy is desperate for nurturing.
Brandy could get to the end of her life and look back and realize that she has spent her entire life doing for everyone else and has missed life herself.
She could spend the rest of her life trying to get her brother to follow doctor's orders and probably never succeed. Her sister might need her support for the rest of Brandy's life.
Brandy could pass on the scars of addiction and co-dependence to her daughters and they might either choose addiction or care taking. They, like Brandy, might never learn to live abundantly.
She could model for her daughters one failed relationship after another with men. She could never develop a healthy romantic love relationship and miss the support of a life partner.
She could also learn how to be loved and to live abundantly. She could focus on taking care of herself and her daughters and learning how to love God.
She could get professional help for her brother and let people that are equipped and trained deal with the serious medical issues surrounding schizophrenia.
She could push his sister into becoming independent and help enable her to grow up.
She could realize that she didn't cause the difficulties of her adult family members. She could accept that she can't control bad decisions of the adults around her. She could face that she can't cure their problems. She will always care, but she can let God be God.
She could develop relationships with healthy women who could love her and teach her how to develop relationships with healthy men.
She could make time for a support group that focuses on healing the kinds of scars that her parents left her with.
She could begin spending time with God every day and focus on nurturing studies of the Bible. She could break the pattern of co-dependence and addiction and teach her daughters a healthy way to live.
And finally, she could look back on her life and say, "Thank you God. I have lived happy and free."
As I left, we were both in tears. I cried off and on for over an hour after I left the salon. Brandy is an incredible person. She has no role models in her life and yet she has sought God and the church and is trying to find a better way to live for her and for her family. She doesn't drink or use drugs. She has responsibilities and maturity beyond her years. She is so burdened for her sister and brother and feels a sense of failure because they are both struggling. She clearly loves her mother and feels like she has to choose between taking care of her mother and her children. She is working so hard and the issues in her life are stealing her life like a thief.
Jesus came to give us a full life. He understood that things of this world could steal that life from us. He actually refers to them as a "thief." He loves Brandy and wants her just to relax and accept that love. He came to give Brandy a full life. He gave his life for Brandy.
"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep." John 10:10-11 NKJV
What is stealing your life? The "thief" is tricky and he could have you convinced that the very things that are stealing your life are your Christian "duty" to perform. Look around you? What do you need to turn over to God?
Are you taking care of adults in your life that should be taking care of themselves? Give them to God and allow them to grow up. Give yourself a break. There is enough responsibility around you that belongs to you without you taking on what does not belong to you.
Are you dealing with medical issues of family members that you are not equipped to handle? Is it disrupting your entire family? Are others better trained and would they receive better help other places? Give yourself permission to accept help.
Are you an adult that still has scars from childhood? You don't have to live with those scars. Get help. It is available. Those scars can be healed.
Have you stopped feeling? Feelings are worth it even if all you feel is grief and sadness. Grief is a process and it will pass. Allow yourself to feel and respond to those feelings. The very feeling you are trying to avoid may be the feeling that will push you into getting the help that you need. Let good feelings have a chance to return.
Are the relationships in your life failing? Focus on a healthy love relationship with God instead of the failing relationships. Let God teach you to love others by loving him first. Find others to mentor you when learning to love God and your neighbor. Love is the answer to everything.
"’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, `Love your neighbor as yourself.’" Luke 10:27 NIV
Are you having trouble accepting love from others? Let people love you. Find people who love God with all of their soul, strength, and heart. They will know how to love you in a healthy way. You are their neighbor. Let them love you the way they love themselves. You deserve it. It is God's plan for you.
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