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Stuck In The Past
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Stuck In The Past
My favorite definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
While house hunting, Bob and I looked at a house that was completely decorated in the 1960’s style. We did not purchase the home but often had to drive past it. We always remembered it and named the house “stuck in the 60’s.”
Many people are stuck in their past. Some stay stuck because they have fond memories. For example, many people continue to listen to music from their youth to the exclusion of all other music.
Others stay stuck because they were damaged or damaged others. They cannot get over the past.
Still others stay stuck because they do not ask the question, “Is there a better way?”
Linda is from Vietnam. Her profession is doing nails. She has been in America 25 years. She was married to an American who passed away 7 years ago. She continues to grieve her husband deeply.
She has an American boyfriend whom she lives with. I met him and he was a very nice man. He loves Linda deeply and wants to marry Linda. He is gentle and takes care of her. Linda says she needs him because she does not read English and there are many areas in America where she needs help. She does not love him the way she loved her husband and she is unwilling to marry again. She hopes to one day retire and spend 6 months a year in American and 6 months in Vietnam. She believes that if she marries, she will be unable to return to Vietnam.
Her children have grown up in this country and are very American. They worry about her and are glad she has a boyfriend that is helping her survive a culture that offers challenges for her.
Linda is Buddhist and practices the faith. She says she is Buddhist because she grew up Buddhist. She has no personal relationship with Buddha and said that her spirituality gave her no help in dealing with the losses in her life. She said her mother was Buddhist and she had never questioned the religion. She admitted that her mother had abandoned her at a young age and was certainly no role model for the rewards of the Buddhist faith. She laughed and said she didn’t really know why she was Buddhist. She continues to worship Buddha but is receiving no practical help from her worship.
Her understanding of Jesus Christ is that Jesus and Buddha were a lot alike. She believes them both to be sons of God as well as God. She said that she had heard that it was a lot easier to be a Christian than to be a Buddhist. She did not believe that Christians had to work as hard to have blessings from God.
As we talked, I agreed that it is easy to become a Christian. Christianity is the only faith in the world where people came to God solely on grace. I told her the simple way to find Jesus and left her with a pamphlet that had pictures. Since she does not read well, the pictures seemed to help her.
Linda is lonely and sad. She needs a power greater than herself to help her let go of the past and to have a future to look forward to. Pray that she will seek that power.
I watched a couple on vacation. They were so tense. They had two beautiful children and their evening in the restaurant was tension filled. The couple did not seem happy. They did not talk during the meal. The mother scolded their well-behaved 4-year-old several times. The 1-year-old daughter was delightful but we enjoyed her more than the family did.
The family has no affiliation with church and no belief in God. The mother said that she watches her friends and is occasionally envious of the social relationships that come from their church lives. We talked about the love she was missing. She knew she was missing something in life but said that she had not grown up in church so she had no foundation to for any kind of belief. She said she didn’t go to church because her parents did not take her to church.
Both of these women seem unhappy and stuck in their life situations. They admit to no personal relationship with any kind of God. Both seemed wistful about the vacancy in their lives. Both women blamed their choices on the choices of their parents. Neither plan to take any action to change their situation.
Another young mother was trapped in an alcoholic and abusive marriage. She had no way to support their three young children alone and believed that if she left with the children, the husband would find her. She was afraid of her husband. This was years ago and it was illegal for a mother to take children across a state line without a husband’s permission.
She knew that the husband was unable to care for the children alone and that if she left, he would probably send the children to live with his mother. Believing she had no other choice, she left alone. As predicted, he sent the children to live with his mother.
By leaving alone, she saved herself and her children from continual abuse. Her children loved their grandmother. Her three children had relatively happy lives and became productive adults.
They also spent their life grieving the loss of this mother. As adults, the mother and children have been unable to find a restored relationship. They are now trapped by their past.
Our past certainly does try to shape us.
Parents hear themselves using the very words that their parents used after swearing they would never repeat those words.
Abuse and addiction perpetuates itself in generation after generation.
Homes that continually argue create children that will live in homes that continually argue.
Emotional and physical illnesses repeat generation after generation.
Traps are often used to capture animals. When caught in a trap, the animals try desperately to get out of the trap. They have even been known to chew their own leg off to get out of a trap. If they escape, they escape wounded for life. Occasionally kind people come along and gently set this animal free. They open the trap and release the animal. They may bind the wounds and help the animal to heal without a permanent injury.
People seem to be trapped by their past. Being desperately unhappy, they try to free themselves from the trap. Like the animal, they fight without success. Occasionally, they take a dramatic action that leaves them and others wounded for life.
God would like to come along and gently open the traps and free us. He would like to lovingly heal our wounds and leave us whole. He knows how to free us without leaving us scarred. He can heal all scars from the past. His love is always available if we are willing to accept it.
To accept the freedom that Christ offers, we must first be willing to let go of the past.
Linda must be willing to let go of grieving her husband. She also could be willing to change the face of her god into one that offers love, grace, and a personal relationship. She must ask this God to take away her grief and replace it with the freedom offered in his love. What joy could be in her future!
The vacationing family could learn to love each other by receiving the love of God. That love could permeate their lives on earth and for an eternity. They must be willing to accept beliefs that they have ignored and probably ridiculed. They would have to be willing to rely on the love of God to learn a new way to interact. They could spend their evenings smiling, delighting in their children, and hearing I love you.
By earthly standards, the young mother that left her children is the saddest of all. Leaving children to a potentially abusive situation seems unforgivable. Yet, we are instructed not to judge her.
“Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.” Matthew 7:1-2 KJV
There are stories in the Bible of it being right for mothers to leave children at an early age. A woman named Hannah desperately wanted a child. She went to the temple to pray. She promised that if God would grant her a child, she would return this child to God. God answered her prayer and Hannah kept her promise. After her son, Samuel, was weaned, she left him in the temple with the priest, Eli.
“She said to her husband, ‘After the boy is weaned, I will take him and present him before the LORD, and he will live there always.’” 1 Samuel 1:22 (from New International Version)
The Lord blessed her obedience and she had several more children.
“And the LORD was gracious to Hannah; she conceived and gave birth to three sons and two daughters. Meanwhile, the boy Samuel grew up in the presence of the LORD.” 1 Samuel 2:21 (from New International Version)
One has to wonder what Samuel thought about being left at the temple. We wonder if he had to forgive his mother for leaving him. By today’s earthly standards, what Hannah did was unacceptable. We cannot imagine it being right for a parent to leave children.
Hannah’s friends may have criticized her. We know that her husband accepted her decision. However, we also know that Samuel was not alone. He grew up in the presence of the Lord.
God’s ways are mysterious and it is dangerous to judge anyone’s actions. We do know that the mother in the abusive situation made a poor choice in choosing the father of her children. We also know there is forgiveness for our bad decisions.
This mother is a Christian. Since leaving the children, she has spent her life faithfully serving God in church. She met and married a wonderful Christian man and was married for many years before he passed away. She had other children and was a faithful mother to those children. She prays daily for a restored relationship with those adult children that she left. She learned from her past and changed her future.
A loving grandmother whom they consider their mother raised the children she left. Understandably, they have scars but amazingly, they also are Christians and are happy. While they have met, they have difficulty thinking about becoming close with their biological mother.
While history cannot be changed, one cannot help but wonder if this mother relied fully on God’s direction in her choices.
Leaving those children was possibly a noble sacrifice she made out of love. Like Hannah, she may have been following God’s directions.
More likely, she was desperate to be free and like the animal, chewed off her own foot. How that must have hurt.
Only God and this mother know the real answer to the motives in this situation. God offers this family healing, grace, and forgiveness, regardless of the motives.
The past cannot be changed. We can absolutely use the love of God and be healed from the scars of our past.
To be healed, these adult children must be willing to forgive their mother. To be fully healed, they may be called on to allow a full restoration of the relationship. They may feel she is unworthy of this forgiveness. Christ died for us while we were all unworthy. He is our role model.
There is so much love available to this family. God can work miracles in the hearts of everyone if they are willing to let go of the past.
Are you trapped in your past? If you find yourself continually experiencing the same painful emotion, the answer is probably yes.
There are many ways to let go of the past. The only permanent one relies on God’s healing. A process that has worked for me is the following:
Be Willing
Become willing to let God remove this pain or change your future. Decide to be willing to change. If you have not accepted the love of Jesus, make that decision first. Use that love to take the next step.
Pray
Ask God to help you look at this situation with courage and love.
Investigate
Write down what is hurting you or where you are stuck. List all of the ways that it has affected your life.
Forgive
Ask God to help you forgive the people or situations that have hurt you. Pray that He will make you able to view them with the compassion that you would grant a very sick friend.
“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14-15 (from New International Version)
Confess
Take an honest look at yourself and the damage you may have caused because of this situation. Write this down. Discuss it with a loving friend and confess it to God. Ask for forgiveness for mistakes you have made.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.” 1 John 1:9-10 (from New International Version)
Take Action
Ask God what to do about making amends, changes, and/or restoring relationships. Use the Bible to validate the instructions you receive from God. With love and forgiveness in your heart, bravely follow God’s directions and accept healing.
James 2:17
“In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” James 2:17
(from New International Version)
Throughout the process, use loving Christian mentors and/or professionals that know how to facilitate healing through the love of God.
Be aware that not all relationships are good for us and need to be restored. Occasionally, for our protection or the protection of others, God will tell us to simply forgive and move forward with our life.
In all situations, we must be willing to forgive and accept the relationships or changes that God offers us. We have to be willing to change. We have to be willing to follow God’s healing instructions.
There is hope. We do not have to be trapped by the past. We can embrace God and our future. Let God allow you to love him with a healed and changed heart.
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