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Learn - But God...
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But God
Learn
Acts 20:35
It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" NASU
It has been my experience that when ever I have some lingering pain from something from my past, it means I still have something to learn. Some lessons may seem petty and then turn out to be major spiritual breakthroughs and some take longer than others to learn.
I’ve grieved a doll for my entire life. It may seem silly but it is true. I’ve written about it, talked about it with my husband, and prayed about it but the grief remained. I’ve even tried replacing the doll but have been unable to find one like the one I miss. So, I’ve just lived with my grief.
It all started with a Sunday School lesson. I was 12 years old. The lesson was about how much better it was to give than to receive. The teacher explained that we were going to have more joy by giving then by receiving. It was just after Christmas. I’d received the most beautiful doll. She was cuddly and felt like a real baby. When you wound her up, she moved in your arms like a baby. I held her, cared for her, and slept with her. I wondered if I was too old for dolls but it didn’t matter. I loved her. I remembered the joy I felt from getting her that Christmas morning and was amazed that I could feel even more joy by giving her away.
Later that afternoon, a friend and her little sister came over. The little sister loved my doll and played with her all afternoon. Remembering the Sunday School lesson, when she left to go home, I gave her the doll. I waited for the joy but it didn’t come. Instead, my arms ached to hold my doll. I couldn’t go to sleep that night. Instead of joy, I was broken hearted.
My actions astonished my Mama. “Why on earth did you give away your doll?” I didn’t know it then but money was tight and that doll had been expensive. I was self conscious about explaining it so I just answered that I didn’t know why. By the time Mama noticed my missing doll, I really didn’t know what I’d been thinking by giving her away and I just felt stupid.
“I guess you are too old for dolls,” Mama sighed, drawing the wrong conclusion from my actions.
To add insult to injury, a month later I went over to my friend’s house and found my treasured doll filthy and headless. She no longer moved and I saw her head lying in a corner staring blankly at the ceiling. That tiny monster of a child hadn’t even bothered to take care of her. I felt like she had killed my doll and that I had helped. Simply put, I never got over it. Since Mama thought I was too old for dolls, I never got another doll until I was old enough to buy them for myself. Now, I have quite a collection of dolls and stuffed animals.
I’m also attached to my jewelry in much the same way. I don’t buy gold and diamonds. I buy jewelry with personality. The attachment I feel to the many butterflies, crosses, animals, bubbles, and colored stones I wear around my neck is akin to tenderness. You probably think I need therapy but it is the way I feel.
My favorite necklace was a lime green butterfly with matching earrings. Everyone commented when I wore it. About a year ago, I lost one of the earrings. When I finally found it, I felt like throwing a party. Every time I put on the necklace and earrings, I felt grateful that all the pieces were back together again.
I get up every morning and ask for knowledge of God’s will for me and for the power to carry it out. Most days I don’t regret that prayer but as I was leaving a Black Eyed Pea restaurant in Tennessee, I had cause to wonder if I really wanted to keep praying that prayer.
As I walked out the door, a voice said, “I love your necklace.” Nothing unusual - I hear that often. Since my jewelry is unusual (there is a fine line between unique and gaudy,) the voices that comment on my necklaces usually come from unique people. This time was no exception. I looked up to see a young woman dressed completely in black. She had short spiked hair and giant earrings that had her earlobes stretched out of shape.
“I love butterflies,” she said. “I have them all over my room.”
She didn’t look like someone that loved butterflies so I asked, “What do you love about them?”
“I love their colors. I love the way they flutter and the sound they make if they get close to you.”
“I love them too,” I said enthusiastically. “I love them because they represent new birth. I’m a Christian. When we accept Jesus Christ as our savior, we are reborn and no longer in a cocoon. As a Christian, I feel like a butterfly flying free.” While I was talking, her face changed from smiles to wariness. I didn’t blame her. I’d made quite a speech. I surprised even myself and that is hard to do. Well I thought, in for a penny, in for pound. I continued.
“Are you a Christian?” I asked.
“Yea, sure,” she said, clearly wanting to end the conversation.
All of a sudden, I felt God whisper the words, Give her the necklace! I don’t hear God audibly and while this wasn’t audible, the words clearly formed in my brain, Give her the necklace!
My heart sank and I panicked. No, I said, remembering the doll. She won’t appreciate it or take care of it. I couldn’t imagine how a lime green necklace was going to fit into her black motif.
Give her the necklace! This time the words felt louder. I knew that if I kept the necklace, I’d never enjoy it again.
My hands trembled as I reached up and took off the necklace. I almost couldn’t get it off. She looked confused as I handed it to her. “God, just told me to give this to you,” I explained.
I felt that voice whisper again, The earrings too. I looked at those stretched earlobes and wondered how she would even wear the tiny dainty lime green drops. I took off the earrings and handed her those.
Her face showed astonishment. Her eyes filled with tears. She ran out from behind the counter where she was standing, threw her arms around me, and hugged me tightly. “Thank you,” she whispered.
“You’re welcome,” I whispered back. When she released me, I left.
I was traveling with the Sojourners, Ron and Amanda Fuller. The entire exchange had lasted only 60 seconds and since they’d headed to the car, they’d missed it all. I was shook up and grieving when I got to the car. I told them what had happened in the restaurant and the story about my long lost doll.
“I loved that necklace,” I wailed.
“I love it too,” said Amanda.
“I’m afraid she’ll treat it like that child did my doll. She might not treasure it and take care of it,” I said.
“Cheryle,” Ron said quietly. “God has just told me to tell you something. He said to say that He knows exactly how you feel. He sent His son, His treasure, the love of his life, and we didn’t take care of it. Like your doll, we killed His son.”
Instantly, I felt comforted about the necklace and for that long lost doll. God knew how I felt. I’d always thought I’d made a mistake by giving that child the doll but maybe it hadn’t been a mistake after all. I know I did the right thing to give that young woman the necklace. The sound of God’s voice couldn’t have been clearer. When God decided to give the gift of His son, He knew we would abuse and kill His son but He sent Him anyway.
The next day, I once again asked for knowledge of God’s for me and for the power to carry it out. I wore the outfit I’d bought the necklace for. I searched through my jewelry bag and found another necklace that would work. Several people complimented me on my necklace and I held my breath but I never heard the command to give away. It is tucked safely back in my jewelry case.
Maybe I’ve finally learned what God meant when He said it was more blessed to give than to receive.
(To see a picture of the last time I wore the necklace, go to the Photo Gallery and look in the File Tennessee – Hendersonville – TBN and look for pictures of me.)
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